hiding from homework

It's 9:38am on a Saturday morning... do you know where your children are?
Mom does, I am sitting here, hiding from my math homework:P

I started school this week. I was so nervous... especially after I read the syllabus for my nutrition class... such a culture shock. It is freakin' hard. I am feeling better. It is a lot, but doable.

It feels so good to be back on campus. I have waited so long, albeit relatively impatiently at times, for this. I can do this :D (will have to revisit this post at finals).

work has been frustrating. There are so many big personalities there. I've really had to dig down deep and remember that it is never to late to pull teachable moments from people's rants. There is usually grains of truth there, couched in poor communication skills. I am not too old to learn :D

D is at Richard's this weekend. It feels odd without his little face running around, begging for chocolate milk. I fall more and more in love with that little man everyday. He pushes me to my limits, ultimately teaching me that love overcomes.

I am struggling with my weight a lot lately. I have totally plateaued. I am a stress eater, and the stress levels have been so intense lately. I am actually looking forward to my nutrition class... I am hoping that it will help put me on the right track.

ok... enough stalling, back to the grind.

this is me, signing off.

well at least I have a sense of humor

I realized yesterday that when I set up the URL for my blog, I used the wrong word. I used the word in spanish for shades as in curtains... not as in the color. I suppose that is appropriate. It is kind of how my life goes these days. I just have to roll with things.

I had a good convo with Ri today and that made me happy.
I feel like we are both going so fast to make everything work, that we often miss the boat in regards to communication. Who knows what me being in school will do? We will work it out, we always do.

I am both excited and terrified about school. It has been so long... mostly my fear is balancing school and work and keeping Drakers the priority. How do I do that and still make a tiny space for myself??

Richard signed today. We had an amicable conversation and laughed about Drake. Wowzers, that is God's gift to me today. It is good for my soul to know that when all things are laid to rest with our marriage, we can just enjoy and celebrate our son... which is the very best of us anyways.

We made a girl cry at McDonald's in the drive thru.
She was taking forever so I started mocking her under my breath.... however, I have a head cold and apparently I am not as quiet as I thought,

I am going to hell for that.

church was good for me

I went to church yesterday and Pastor Ryan started a new series titled "Re-Ligion". The focus was taking a look at what God says his people should do rather than what we have created in traditions for ourselves to do... sometimes it overlaps, but often it doesn't.

He talked at length at being authentic and not just giving lip service to authenticity... that is okay to be screwed up and honest with ourselves and others...

so here I am, being honest.

1. I am pretty freakin' screwed up as a person.
2. Some of it is permanent, some of it is temporary.
3. I do my best with Drake, but I have a great deal to learn. I love him the best I can and pray that God helps me make up the difference.
4. I am really tired of trying to make people happy and love me. People do what they want and nothing I can do influence them otherwise. I am who I am and they are who they are.
5. Drake watches too much tv because I am overwhelmed with being alone.
6. I really am quite amazing.
7. If I had a superpower it would be perseverance through unspeakable circumstance, and the remarkable ability to start over from the ashes again and again. I wish it was that I glowed in the dark or could fly... but you get what you get right?
8. I am scared.
9. I am excited.
10. I need to sleep more.
11. I have no idea what I am doing.
12. I am scared that I kind of like that I have no idea what I am doing.
13. I am worried that I am going to screw Drake up with my crazies and that I can't help myself.
14. I drink too much caffeine.
15. I speed when I think no one is around.
16. I am worried that I will turn out just like my parents... and that it doesn't really bother me anymore.
17. I haven't dealt with my abusive childhood.
18. I am relieved that my relationship with Richard is over and that he actually did me a favor.
19. I am clinically depressed.
20. My Dad is bizarre.


okay that is enough honesty for one day.

this is me.

so sleepy

I had a good day today for the most part.
I am exhausted and Drake is running a fever... which is super stressful because he gets Feveral Seizures.

We went to Jamie's BBQ and it was a success. I met some cool new people and got to catch up with Nix... its been too long.

I am looking forward to this week being quieter than the last couple. I am going to just lay low and recuperate a bit. My body and my spirit is tired. I need some rest.

I miss my Riah...
okay this blog is random, but that is how my brain is today... nothing deep, but pretty satisfied.
-J

Rain Rain Go Away, Come Again Another Day

I took this last week with an especially curly hair day. Yesterday I took D-ter D-ter Punkin Eater to the fair. We had a glorious time. It was however, FREAKIN' expensive. Next time I am packing food and avoiding the vendor booths...... crap I spent a lot of money.

Today was glorious, naps included, and D spent the night with his Pops. I am glad to have him back with me at home. It just isn't right with him not around.

School is looming on the horizon. I am starting to get nervous... I know that I can do it... I just don't know if I can do it and still sleep more than four hours a night. I do get to buy school supplies this week and I could just jump up and down with the excitement of it all.

On other school news, it looks like D-ter is going to school (daycare) too. They are holding the spot open for him at Family Childcare and DSHS has all the paperwork they need. Once we get the award letter, we are ready to go :D

Things are starting to come together for the good and I am grateful.

bliss bliss sheer bliss

this morning I woke up... because I was ready and not because I had to go to work.
I feel like hell, dipped in tar and rolled in kitty litter, but I got 9 hours of sleep. It makes it all worth it.

I am on hold with DSHS trying to get funding for D to go to daycare so I can work.
The hold music is atrocious. I should consult with large agencies on the type of music they play... makes me want to go postal.

Today I am going to the fair... if I can get all my paperwork done before it's time to go *crossing fingers*

I am on the brink of being able to breathe

R called last night and said he would sign... THANK YOU LORD!!!

I told Dad and he thought it would be funny to tell him after he signs and announce my engagement to someone else, just to screw with him.. or on the other hand announce that his lack of physical prowess has turned me gay. I HEART Daddy. He makes me laugh.

on another note, my laptop is here and is frickin' amazing. Another reason why I love Pops.

Today is hopeful. Drake is sleeping, I have food in the fridge, it's 3:00 and I am in pajamas and tonight I am going to go visit a possible daycare. I don't have anything figured out, but I am loved and supported by my friends and family.

Amen.

singleness, my life now, and my life to come

I've had a lot to think about this week. I think it is time for yet more changes.
It is scary to think that my life no longer has a clear path... other than being Drake's Mom (and a nurse *squee*), everything else is up in the air. I don't even know if I will ever marry again. The thought of that makes me sick to my stomatch... and if I thought about it enough; I could probably barf. I have some major healing to do before that even becomes a possibility on my ten year outlook.... if at all.

Even four months ago, I would tell you that I would be a stay at home Mom until D was in school, Richard's wife forever, and a nurse or logistics agent at some point.

What four months can change is intense. I love a plan, with annotated and color coded check lists, maps and coordinates, timeline, you name it. I don't have one now... I just have this breath in my chest... and this week's check to cash.

what does the future hold for me? Hell if I know.