speaking softly

God knew I needed this evening of reprieve.

Both boys are in bed... only is sleeping, Drake probably not.

It has been a marathon lately.

I am learning to live in a more balanced fashion. Although the commute and the sickness in our house has worn me down. I am finally starting to feel better... but I am so zonked.

Drake is definitely benefiting from a more regimented schedule, early bedtimes, and better food.

Life is harder now. Although the benefits far outweigh the work. I suppose I am just doing the things I should have been doing all along... but was too broken to do.

Thank you God for this day, for this evening of quiet, and the chance to just breathe.

all my love.

me

It's 9:46am and I am eating my lunch

I am super hungry today... not sure what my problem is.

Drake threw a huge fit this morning... epically bad. Well - he announced himself to the neighborhood I suppose.

I feel so frustrated. I want to do things right - but he pushes me beyond reason sometimes.
I do know that last night was the first nighti in the new place and change is hard.
I also know that he spent three days at his Dad's house and transition back home is hard - - AND he didn't actually fall asleep until almost 10 last night because of all the change.

Tonight is back to regular bedtime. There might even be a bath involved... which should be interesting trying to get the blue out of his hair.

I love that baby. I just want to equip him for life's challenges... so frustrated

This mom is tired.

Thursday Thursday Thursday.

It's Friday and I am spent

and I don't mean my paycheck. That isn't until next week.

This week as knocked the crap out of me. I feel like good things have happened in there too.
My spirits are high. I am just oh so tired.

I put D to bed early last night. The difference in his attitude this morning was dramatic.
It totally confirmed for me. D has an 8 o' clock bedtime. No budging.
It does put a damper on mid-week visits with Riah... but with her job change - those are probably out the window anyway.

I feel at peace with all the change in my life right now.
I just need a good nights sleep.

Early bedtime for everyone :D

i am getting excited about having a kitchen again... and baking pumpkin chocolate chip bread.

i wish i magically had four more work hours in this day.

Drake's morning song

"Good Morning, my darling,
I am glad that you're alive.
The sun got up and so should you
it's time to rise and shine
You are so full of awesome
my favorite four year old
so hurry up you sleep head
before your food gets cold.

My prayer for you this morning
Be Gracious, Courageous, & Loved.
Live big Give big Love big
This life is a gift from God Above.
You are a mighty warrior,
of this I have no doubt.
Your Momma loves you OH SO MUCH
it's time to sing and shout.

Good Morning My Darling
I am glad that you're alive
The sun got up and so should you
It's time to rise and shine.
You are so full of awesome.
My favorite 4 year old.
So hurry up you sleepy head
before your food gets cold."

this song makes me happy

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this pic makes me happy

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i bought a bucket.. it is delicious.

Jerusha's happy list

1. This tiny diet coke can on my desk -
Rosa gave it to me today. I am out of quarters and I really really wanted one. Thank you Rosa. Thank you.

2. The fact that I made it to work early and with a packed lunch. Drake ate breakfast and is wearing clothes that not only fit but match and are cute. I am giving myself a mommy gold star.

3. Riah - because she is such an amazing Mom... oh yeah - and my lifelong best friend.
She makes no pretense. She is who she is and she makes no apologies for it. She rocks my face off.

4. Moments like this while I wait for crap to print that allow me to blog.

5. my tiny diet coke - oh wait - that was # 1

6. Story time with D last night - We read the new Pirate Pete book (Talk like a Pirate) from the library and it was super exciting... and then D read it to me. It is amazing the things that he remembers - and the things that he decided to change for dramatic affect. He renamed the book "Pirate Pete shoves everyone in the water" -

Dad

He is so wise and so bat sh** crazy sometimes.

He sent me a message on my facebook that said,
"Jerusha my love, just remember, time doesn't heal all wounds, love does."

and I cried. Like a total dork.

I wish he would internalize what he just said to me.... and let the love in his life flood in and heal his own broken heart.

Sometimes it's easier to tell others what we so desperately need for ourselves.


So Daddy - if you are listening -

Just remember, time doesn't heal all wounds. Love does..

I love you Papa

dear beloved

It is getting late and Drake is in the shower. He got spaghetti sauce all over his face at dinner. I should have taken a picture. He was so loving today. He used your scooter while wearing the sonic hat. It makes me so nervous when he rides that thing... but I suppose that is my job.

I just want to say that I am so grateful for you. ... deep in my soul. It defies logic and space and time. I also want to thank you for being man enough to stand up for me when he didn't. You were my advocate and my friend... even when it was painful to be. You looked me in the eyes on the darkest day of my life and you told me the truth. I will always always always love you for that. You are my family.

Regardless of how our lives intertwine or not-- I carry you in my heart 10 years ago, today, and forever.

I love you cheeseball.

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dear cheeseball

You left a bunch of stuff at my place. I like it. It means you are coming back.

I miss you.
-me

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qotd

"You know what momma? You love me even when I am naughty... don't ya?" Yes bubbs. Yes I do.

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I tired

Pero estoy muy contenta.

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dear cheeseball

I keep checking my email for a message from you even though I know you are working 12 today. I miss your face
- me

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today has been a long day

I am feeling anxious this evening.

Today was chaotic and stressful. D was super sweet though. Our evening of puzzles and lulus and storytime was precious. I love my baby.

I feel like God is bringing me back around... bring the focus where it should be, a reminding me that that there is hope... and maybe its not too late for me to be a wife and mom.

Sometimes I let the loneliness get to me and the space between and the love of a husband is deafening.
I fill that space with casual sex and social musings... but it is synthetic... plastic intimacy, fading quickly without true satisfaction.

Maybe there could be a purpose in all of this? A chance at something infinitely better, Christ centered love. What would that even look like?

I cracked my bible and started rereading my own prayers penciled into the margins. There is so much truth and unabashed honesty there. There is power in my cries to the father.

" he reached down from on high and took hold of me. He drew me out of deep waters" psalms 18:16

"My flesh and heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

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thank you lord for uninterupted showers

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for the record. my kid is camped out naked on the couch reading library while singing songs he made up himself... I could not be more proud. oh yeah... and practicing his evil genius laugh

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good morning monday

This pic of Marilyn Monroe makes me happy.

I am so ready to curl up on my couch tonight and read... to be at home with my bubba and just relax. This weekend was just too much - too much sun - too much activity - too much driving - not enough real food - not enough sleep...

I had a lot of fun - but I feel hung over.

This week I am going to be mellow.

yay for mellow.

I am thankful for my life.

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qotd " estoy buscando por una taqueria... um... Amazeballs" -me

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remembering that I am grateful

I am turning in my whiner card for the day.
You can take it.
I don't want it.

I do want a weekend with the people I love...
some extra sleep..
and a couple days reprieve from work -- which is less than fun right now.

I do want for this pain in my back to go away - - oh wait - - my whiner card is gone - okay back to grateful things.

I love you Riah. I love that you want to hear what is going on in my life. I love that you are so very real with the things that you struggle with . I love that you celebrate your successes ... and through that I get to celebrate too. I love that you are silently correcting my grammar but love me too much to do it outloud.

You are my best hero.

and my back hurts - oh damn, I have the whiner card again.

I love your face sister mine.
Glad we get to see each other tomorrow.

xoxox

thithie

stumbled upon this

I found this bed and it made me so happy.

It is a princess bed indeed.

I want to go home.

Today was less than fun. I am just hoping riah has wine

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batfish says good morning

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Dear Dickwad

I think you are a terrible person.
I used to love you. Even after I stopped loving you, I loved the idea of you.

I really wish that I could just never look into your face ever again.
That would bring me so much joy.

Instead however, I look into your face every single day, in the face of our son.
Who I love with every cell in my being.

Guess what though, you are a douche waffle... and if you teach our son your douchewafflery, I will lose my shit on you... #truth

He is going to know how to honor a woman - her mind, body, and spirit.
He is going to know what it means to put in a hard day's work without complaint... to feel proud of his accomplishments, and to fight like hell for the ones he loves.

He is going to know what it is to protect, and care, and lead... to be the spiritual leader of his home, to stand before his creator and feel at peace with his choices.. to be a real man...

and guess what?? he is going to learn that from me because you are too much of a coward.
I hate that you are weak.... weak minded, weak spirited, weak intellectually, weak emotionally, totally and utterly ruled by your desires.

I feel sorry for you actually... sorry that you couldn't see what a gift you had and now you have to replicate it with your whore of a girlfriend.

For the record. I am not sorry that I left.

I am only sorry that I waited so long.

I hope that you get an std and become infertile because for realz - - you can't even handle the one kid you have left.

eat crap and go away..


all my love.

-J

coffee is brewing

And here I lay listening to it chug away

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these things I know to be true

1. Drake is the love of my life - and proof that despite circumstance and things out of my control, Jesus loves me.
2. Drake will most likely cause me to be bald by pulling my hair out.
3. I need to learn to be a firmer parent - for both our sakes
4. I love love love love love my sister. Without her my life would be dreary and gray.
5. I am so blessed. I forget it a lot. I forget that these things that I have in my life are because of #1 and I have worked so hard for them.
6. love is never a mistake. Loving Richard was not a mistake.
7. Love is not wasted. My love for him was not wasted. If nothing else I can stand before my creator and say that I loved him as Christ commanded us to love. I prayed for him, I submitted to him, I carried his baby.... all of these things... not wasted. He chose to throw it away.. but like most things... that is on him - and he will have to answer for that.
8. I am not defined by my parentage, my broken marriage, or my failed pregnancies - I am defined by Christ's love for me and my love for Drake - - end scene
9. I screw up a lot - I get moody and frustrated - ill tempered and bitchy. I lose sight of the good things and allow all the bad things to rush in and lay stone eggs in my chest.
10. I am hopelessly flawed but thankfully, his power is made perfect in my weakness.


and thanks to Merissa, I remembered that I too am loved.

feeling inspired today a little bit

I want to paint like this.

This weekend I am going to rest - clean my house - get a brow wax - and sleep my butt off.

#truth

Plans

" For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope." Jeremiah 29:11 - Gods Word Translation.


This stuck with me this morning. I spend too much time trying to control all the details in my day to day that I forget that life is so very beautiful. Today I choose hope.

"For you have been my hope."Psalms 71:5

mi corazon tiene cosas que necesita decir... pero no tiene las palabras

batman is snoring in my backseat

'nuff said

dear wednesday

I am so exhausted I am literally bleary eyed.

These last couple of weeks have pushed me past the point of reason.
There are really great things too - like my renewed focus with Drakers for story time.
He loves it... and I get uninterupted snuggle time with my little dude.

Last night we went to the library to pick out some new books. It was so much fun. I hate that I had to rush because i had to work from home. Next time... it will be all about the doodimus.

There is no chance that this inventory today is going to go well.
It just isn't.

They are going to be here in 20 minutes and I still don't have all my count sheets back.
this is not good.

I have transcended the land of freak out because I am too tired.

My sister (you know who you are) is watching D for me so that I could come back to work at 6:30am after working through the night from home. I love my thithie so much.


The second that the auditor leaves - I am going home. #truth

The numbers on my spreadsheets don't even make sense to me anymore - the columns blur into one another.

ready for bed

In honor of shark week

Fish are friends - not food.

Last night D and I went to the Y.
We played sharks for over an hour. I must say, my Momma shark impression is absolutely amazeballs... but then a baby shark ate my face off.... bummer.

Drake woke up with a runny nose and a low grade fever.
I didn't want to drop him off at school today, but I don't have a choice. I don't have vacation time or sick time... I feel really bad. I am just hoping that he can hang for the day... we are going to the library hopefully tonight - depends on how he is feeling.

I signed him up for a kids night in "under the big top". Apparently there are going to be carnival games and popcorn necklace making. He told me that he wanted to go - but only if I went. "cause kids are stupid.. you know?" Where does he get this stuff?

We lost his DS again. I have no idea where it is. However, I think that is okay for now.
He has been really having a hard time with the split lately... at least far more vocal about it. Not sure why the delay was - or if his ability to communicate finally caught up with his feelings.
Wish my ability to communicate would catch up with my feelings :D

I went to church for the first time in a while. It felt good. Super long drive - but I had to get D from R anyway.

I ran into Jill and Jeff - and I saw my friend Zana... all of these are good things.
I need to make it back to church more. It was good for my soul.


also - I am really really tired of self-destructing. I am not sure how to break some bad habits that I developed this year, but I least I am aware. I suppose that is a step in the right direction.

one last note - It is freaking cold in my office and I wore a skirt... dang it.

over & out.

my ode to the delicious elixer

could just squeak those cheeks...

my little guy is getting so big.

my own little bit of iconography

Today I choose to be a sunshine ninja... #truth

ahorrita voy pa ya

last night we sat on the porch swing after making dinner together and just watched the sun go down.

I felt small in his arms. I've never felt small in a mans arms before.

It was delicious and scary.

Look at the stars - look how they shine for you - and all the things you do - they're all yellow

Monday Monday Monday -

Today is a Monday in true form.
Hectic and scattered - but good.

I really do love my job. It makes me crazy - but at least it pushes me.
The more I think about spending time with the Southern Gent I smile.
He is adorable and oh so snuggly.

I've missed that.
I miss just being held.

It was nice... and it fed a piece of my soul.

hmmmmmm

no esta lloviendo

This morning I am so tired.
I was accompanied to work by a very large cup of coffee.

I had a great night last night with a true gentleman.
It was actually kind of remarkable.

Who knows what the future holds?? I sure don't.

What I do know is that today is a gift.

I have hope

y

no esta lloviendo.

If you want to destroy my sweater... hold this string as I walk away

Last night the Southern gent and I talked for two hours...
about important stuff and stupid stuff... about books and music and food and ideas.

I found out that he did knowledge bowl in highschool.

He also is a total word nerd and corrected (gently :D) my usage of the word tetonic. Apparently I was saying teutonic with refers to all things germanic. *SWOON*

We didn't once talk about sex.

It was refreshing and exciting and silly.

We are trying to go out to dinner on Thursday.
He asked for me to pick the place that we eat. I responded that we could just go get teriyaki or a burger or something, to which he responded, "oh Jerusha, you are worth more than that"

He is picking me up at my house. He is educated, funny, witty, and gainfully employed.
What do I do with that?

a two hour convo with a man... and zero mention of sex. is this for real?? i am in shock

Tremble for yourself, my man, You know that you have seen this all before

I think things are starting to dip into the ridiculous.
I had a 60 year old guy ask me to be a cheerleader for a JO party.

What planet does he live on?? oh yeah- the planet that I am going to avoid like the plague.

I need a cup of coffee and a dose of reality.
There are good guys out there right???
Sweet guys that have zesty libidos without being retarded?

Oh well, chock it up to another story to tell.

I haven't even dipped into this weekend.

Goodness gracious - I need to write a book.

Gravedigger, when you dig my grave, can you make it shallow? so I can feel the rain

I am feeling contemplative today.
Not in a creepy or depressed way (contrary to the song quote above)

I feel like I passed some emotionally hurtles this week.
I had to see Richard all happy with his girlfriend and a bunch of friends that he got in the divorce.

It sucked... but it didn't destroy me.
I was gracious and caring.
and I looked like a million bucks.

R's girlfriend looked twelve in cut offs and an old navy t.
I was wearing fitted trousers and heels, and a top that showed off a crack ton of my gorgeous boobs... my hair and make up were impeccable. I looked polished and I felt good.

It is hard to see him with someone... but at least I am cuter than she is :D

so much to say and so much to remain unspoken

personal ads

I cannot tell you how may personal ads I have read that say things like:
I love Celine Dion and french wine and snuggling on the couch during the rain...
I am a "snappy dresser" and love musicals. I am an avid Glee watcher.
I could go on and on.

I think to myself - dude, I get that you wrote straight on your profile - but you are gay... not just kind of gay, not just gay when you are drunk, you are flaming gay.. embrace it. enjoy it...

date and have sex with beautiful men.

Be at one with your inner Elton John.

#truestatement.

adventures in dating

I met a guy last night that was really great.

We totally hit it off, funny, sexy, witty, charming.
We tentatively made plans to meet up at Denny's and drink coffee and play card games.
It was great....

and then he asked my advise on how to ask out this girl he thought was really hot.

I responded that perhaps it would be more effective if I asked on his behalf.
He didn't see the irony.

Dear Me - a year ago

Dear Love,

It's 1pm in July 13th.

It's been a year and a couple weeks since I said Goodbye to being Richard's wife... and said hello to being true to myself.

What can I say that will make things better? What can I do to help hold the pieces of your shattering being in my hands?

The answer is nothing.

It will get better. It will not go away.
You have chosen the hard path for sure. Every day you have to make the decision to choose happiness and health. It sucks... and some days you will feel like maybe it had been better if you had stayed. In those moments.. stop what you are doing and bitchslap yourself.

The answer is to say those things outloud and push yourself forward.
It is okay to be lonely. It is okay to not have the answers. It is okay to struggle with choices. It is okay to eat ice cream for dinner because you are too tired to cook.

Days will blend together. .. you will make wrong choices, but next time you know.
Failing forward is not a loss. Failing and doing the same thing over and over again is where you lose.

Life is overwhelming... call it out. Ask for help. Cry if you need to... but there is a time to pick your ass off the floor and get moving. You are responsible for your own success... emotional, physical, financial, parental... that is going to come from you. So cry til the tears are gone and get the fuck up.

In about two months you are going to meet a super cute Caribbean guy named Ari. Please, don't text him and consequently start dating him. His accent is adorable but he is certifiable... just don't do it.

Drake will push you like you have never been pushed. Resist the urge just to beat it out of him. He loves you so much... and that doesn't teach him anything. Love is best given with gentlehands and soft voices. He will respond. It just takes him a while to get it... he gets that from his Dad.
He is brilliant and will reignite your love for learning. He adores words and concepts... he gets that from you.

Music is your friend right now. Embrace it, drink it, taste it. It is the medium that doesn't judge you or want you to be anything other than who you are...which is remarkable.

Going back to school is such a good idea... but don't be afraid to let it go when you are presented with other opportunities. Learning is so much more than the classroom.

In about six months you are going to meet a guy named Mike. He is going to call you at three am drunk, trying to get you to confess to something. You will have no idea what he is talking about. Please just pass that one by. The cute does not cover over the crazy.... if you can't help yourself... when he calls... don't pick up . The number is blocked... just roll back over and go back to sleep.

Dating someone who has already dated your fetish crazy older sister is also a bad idea... 'nuff said.

Be your own advocate. Your voice is beautiful... let it be heard.
Be Drake's advocate - - even if it is to allow him to be away from you so that you can rest. That directly benefits him... so DO it.


In just shy of a year you are going to feel physical pain like you have never known. It is going to burn away any pretenses that you have about yourself. It will clarify your priorities down to the wire. It is going to leave it's mark on you.. you will be forever changed.

Embrace it.
Use it as a tool or it will use you.

Don't be afraid to ask to be held. This is more than a psychological need. You physiologically need to be held. This has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with needing to be touched... ask Riah or whomever...do it.. you need it.

You are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for.
You are so much more loved than you know.

I know.. because I do.

personal ads

Advice for dating Jerusha part deux

I feel inspired by the divine Miss Brittany B to continue on:

1. Please - if you have a collection of action figures and nerf guns that is great - but if it fills your entire home and garage - this would be something you should mention before I see it for myself.

2. If we set up a date - please actually show up. My time is precious and babysitters are expensive. Calling after you stood me up, stoned and drunk, and telling me that you grow pot in your closet and used to run a prostitution ring in Florida... yeah - not so much. Thanks for telling me, but it would have been better if that had been your opening act and not after I had invested my time.

3. please don't text me 7 times at 2 am to tell me what I am missing out... and then following up with 2 texts in the morning to apologise for the 7 texts in the middle of the night - and then following up with unsolicited pictures of your penis... while your penis is impressive (I will give you that) it isn't going to change my mind about not dating a pot smoking pimp.
*caveat* is it sad that after seeing the pics I actually thought about it for a second??? oh man, well at least I got over that fast. I am better now, I promise.

well.. yeah... about that.

Lately I have been restless...

as PK in my favorite book so aptly put,
"the loneliness birds have laid stone eggs in my chest"

There are good things too.
My apartment actually looks like we live there, rather than just staying there.
I reconnected with my friend James who feeds my soul... and I started sketching again...

all of these things are good things.

However I made the mistake of using Richard's bathroom last time I picked up the bubbs.... and frack man... I should have known better. Being in that apartment is soooo sooo bad for my brain.

Although - it did make me feel better that it was trashed. At least when I lived there it was cute.

my nose is stuffy.
this in of itself is capable of making me cranky.

I wore a skirt today and got multiple complements... asking me if I had a date after work.
I find this amusing. Of the last 8 work days, 6 of them I wore skirts. Why is today special??
no idea kids... no idea...

Class was today. I learned all about Lloyds of London. It was fascinating. I am really enjoying this class but I have yet to fully invest. I understand and am able to regurgitate the material... but I am still waiting until the last minute to wack it out. This needs to change.

I am excited about getting my sewing machine back. I have plans... BWAHAHAHAHAHA.
There are all sorts of fun prints at the fabric store right now. I am going to make some more skirts.

At least if I make them myself, they won't be too short :D
I am also excited about making cinchers. Those stinkers are so expensive on etsy ... but so damn cute.

Tips for Dating Jerusha part one

In light of the onslaught of special people that are swirling around the dating pool... I figured I would post a public service announcement.

1. Please don't open the convo with "you have a nice rack - want to practice making babies." - this will get you absolutely no where... just sayin.

2. Please don't send unsolicited pictures of your junk. - no explanation needed here.

3. Please don't tell me all about your exs. While it is healthy to have discourse regarding past relationships... this should not happen until you are actually dating.

4. Please don't bash my attire. It is okay to complement, but if you don't like it, please keep your minimum wage opinions to yourself. Yes I like large earring, no you don't have to like them.

5. After kissing me, please don't proclaim that I should have charged for that. Comparing me to a prostitute is not endearing ... pretty much the easiest way to never get a call back.


enough for now.. more to come...

Its Friday

I am so bloody ready for the weekend.

I reopened my OKC account... for now anyways.
We will see how that goes.
I have been feeling unrest lately... and frankly, a bit lonely.
Not in the "My life is over - woe is me" kind of way, but in the "wow, being by yourself is really hard, and it would be such an amazing gift to share it" kind of way.

I do have a healthy perspective on things, and there is so so so much to be grateful for.
just sayin', being single is not my favorite.

monday monday monday

I am so tired I think I might just fall over.

This weekend was really good...but goodness gracious I didn't sleep last night.
I got to see James yesterday and that makes me happy.
When I don't see him, I have a void.
He is my tried and true friend. I need to make more time for him in my world.

I feel like this summer is zooming by without warning.
It is nearly July... it is a mind boggler.

Drakers comes home tonight and I am excited. I miss his little face.
I haven't watched Super Mario Super Show in almost five days.
This must be fixed immediately :P

I am realizing that I don't care for too much alone time. I certainly need some to rejooj myself (that's what she said) but after that proverbial tank is full then I am ready to be social. It used to be to fill the cracks so I didn't have to deal. Now it is because I am filled emotionally by the experience. It really has nothing to do with spending money or being out and about... its more about companionship. I was created to be in community. That is just who I am.

Living alone is a toughy. Although, I wouldn't give it up for anything. I love love love being the queen of my castle, I just wish there were adjoining castles nearby for visitation :D

On another note - Batfish Spiderfish is settling in nicely. Having a fish is such a delight. I don't look forward to cleaning the tank, but that my friends is just part of the deal when you have a pet.

I should take another crack at putting together the filter... I just hate projects like that. Sad.

well my lovely Riah - my only follower - I hope this was newsy enough for you :D


I love you sweet girl.

-J

Had to share my outfit today... luvs it!

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?

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Feeling old today

Justsayin

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not taken in my car

Must not be cracking up just yet

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That kind of day

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snuggly baby time

I am camped out on riah's living room floor...surfing the interwebs and snuggling Drake. He is protesting the end of his "show" and that he is most definitely not tired. However, his show is finished... we will not be starting a new one and I don't care if he isn't tired... as soon as I am finished with this post, we are going to bed.

I talked to Tim today... first time since I gave him the ol' red light. It felt good to just hear how he is doing... his Grandma died and the funeral is this weekend. Part of me wanted to offer to go with him... and the other part thinks that it would be cruel. I am not his girlfriend and emotional situations like that seem to intensify feels. I can't be anybody's anything right now... so I refrained and gave him my condolences.

Wish I could give him a hug and hold him for a while. Death sucks. I have come to realize that in the face of true pain, words fail. I have them in my brain, but really, what can someone say to make it better?? Nothing. How much better to speak condolences with our actions... and leave the words to others satisfied with sayings (often from bathroom plaques and embroidered throw pillows). Well world. I am tired and am going to bed.

What's up my biotches??

Yes this is a pic of me in my car... no this is not indicative of a mental breakdown.

Today is crazy... lots of hurry up and wait... moving crap between warehouses is so fun *insert sarcastic face*

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

its been a long day I am currently eating a small frys burger because I am crazy tired and it is almost seven and my kid needed to eat. Today was good but now I am wiped.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

must be feeling bloggylicious

Three posts in one day..... holy guacamole! Figured I would just say that I will be grateful to lose myself in my job this week. I think I have reached my limit for emoting this weekend.

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changes.... a shit ton of changes

So today I broke up with all my attachments. I am just so over anguishing over what I should do... so Fuck it... done and done. I need to focus on myself... and being who I need to be.


This is me... pulling off the bandages and wearing my scars. Triage is over. I am ready to heal.

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blogging

I updated myself on Britt's blog "www.frickinbrittanyb.tumblr.com." and am feeling inspired to write.

Lately I feel like I am having the same conversation over and over... not so much of a feeling as a fact. In light of the fact that I am sleeping more, and can't use sleep-dep as an excuse for my emotions, I am finally starting to deal with what has happened. This is not a pretty process.

I am mad... can't hide it... can't escape it... I am fucking mad. I am allowing myself to feel how I feel. This is not something I do very often. It feels foreign and wrong but impossibly unavoidable.


In the wake of my anger, it still leaves just me... but who the hell is that anymore?? I define myself in the role I play, and that my friend, is ever burgeoning...
I am what is left when the rest is burned away.


In all of this anger and personal change there is hope too. I can feel it pulling at my bones... mixed in with each breath, and in each squeezy smooshie faced hug. At least with all this well of emotions, I am aware. The pain and doubt come in waves, but I am not numb to it. It feels kind of brave. My motto has always been, keep your head down and your feet moving... and I can't live like that anymore. I have my head and my heart up. We (my heart and I) are abused but not dead. There is hope in that.

Hello Again Me, It's nice to see you again

I hit a wall this morning (figuratively not actually).
I woke up for my all day Saturday class on stress mgmt.
I also came to the realization that over 4 days I had spent less than 4 hours with my baby...
What did I do?

totally quit school and refocused my energies on the crap that is important.
I don't feel bad about it and I thought I would.
I am worried that people I respect will be upset, but when push comes to shove, this momma picks her baby any day of the week.

I am not sure how to tie off the loose ends with all of that, but I will work it out.
I can't allow fear to keep me from making the hard decisions.

Letter To The 12 Year Old Me

(I actually had to emotionally work up to this.... crazy right?)

Dear 12 year old Jerusha,

Let's start off by saying, you are so amazing it is ridiculous. There are people out there who have made it their whole mission to cut you down. Do your best to ignore them. I know it is hard, but they are stupid assholes. They don't know the real you. They only see what they want to see.
You have this amazing capacity to love people who try to destroy you. This is in of itself is remarkable. Don't lose that... but don't let it control you either. Sometimes you have to give them the finger and take care of yourself.
Here are some things I've learned in the last 15 years:
1. The sound of your voice isn't going to make Jeff vomit.
2. No you are not a waste of flesh because you forgot to take the trash out.
3. Holding the phone up to your mouth is not necessary, that is why God made bluetooth.
4. Eat with your elbows on the table if you want to. Granted, it is tacky, but think about it and decide what you want to do.
5. Withholding food from you was wrong.. and they will have to answer for that.
6. Dad wants to help you. Talk to him. He doesn't know what is going on. He will protect you if you ask. He can handle it... you don't give him enough credit.
7. you are beautiful.
8. It is an amazing thing to be so tall. Girls envy you, boys adore you. Stand Tall and embrace who you are.
9. It is okay to be in love with your best friend. This doesn't mean you are going to hell.
10. Turn your homework in damnit. It is pointless to do it and then not turn it in. I know that this is one of the few things you have control over but seriously, don't be a retard.
11. Stand up for yourself. It is okay to put your foot down and demand to be cared for. You are fucking 12. You are still a kid.
12. You have the right to be safe. No one is allowed to hit you. This is not okay....ever.
13. Take a shower yo. I get that this is an expression of how much you hate yourself right now... but hot water feels good and the bathroom door locks... privacy is an amazing thing.
14. Even though Riah is leaving to take care of herself, doesn't mean that she doesn't love you.
15. You are stronger than you give yourself credit. It is a thing to be marveled actually.
16. You will reinvent yourself over and over. Nothing can take you down for long.
17. Sleeping doesn't make the pain go away. Wake up and be your own advocate.
18. Yes, Dad is a freak, but he is a freak that loves you. You will appreciate that later.
19. No one will love you like I love you.... You are your own primary relationship.... nuture that.
20. It will get worse before it gets better... but keep your head down and make the hard choices.

You are unique and beautiful and vivacious and have a capacity to love people that is remarkable. It is going to take a lot of time, disastrous relationships, and lots of diet coke for you to realize this but it will happen.

I love you babe.
-Me.


p.s. stop hanging out with Janine. Anyone who in their thirties who wants the regular company of preteens is bad news... and smoking is gross... knock it off, it does not under any circumstances make you look cool and in about 10 years will go to five bucks a pack. This goes against our innate cheapness. Celebrate freedom from substance abuse. That shit is expensive.