blogging

I updated myself on Britt's blog "www.frickinbrittanyb.tumblr.com." and am feeling inspired to write.

Lately I feel like I am having the same conversation over and over... not so much of a feeling as a fact. In light of the fact that I am sleeping more, and can't use sleep-dep as an excuse for my emotions, I am finally starting to deal with what has happened. This is not a pretty process.

I am mad... can't hide it... can't escape it... I am fucking mad. I am allowing myself to feel how I feel. This is not something I do very often. It feels foreign and wrong but impossibly unavoidable.


In the wake of my anger, it still leaves just me... but who the hell is that anymore?? I define myself in the role I play, and that my friend, is ever burgeoning...
I am what is left when the rest is burned away.


In all of this anger and personal change there is hope too. I can feel it pulling at my bones... mixed in with each breath, and in each squeezy smooshie faced hug. At least with all this well of emotions, I am aware. The pain and doubt come in waves, but I am not numb to it. It feels kind of brave. My motto has always been, keep your head down and your feet moving... and I can't live like that anymore. I have my head and my heart up. We (my heart and I) are abused but not dead. There is hope in that.