Snowshark - the science is sound. Ice is just frozen water

It is a Drakey weekend. I am looking forward to some facetime with both of my bubbas.
J is ambivilent on what he wants to do tomorrow. I suggested the fair. He didn't want to do that. I then suggested we could go hang with my sister and Mom. Suddenly the fair sounded like an amazing idea.

What I would really like to do is to scoop up the kiddos and go somewhere fun.
It is a rent check week - so funds are slim - but I will work something out.
I would really like to head out to my Mom's. I might still do that. He will tag along and be miserable.
Arrrrggh.

work flow tools

I spend a great deal of my day at work creating tools to facilitate efficient work flows.
I manage productivity numbers and analyze data. I have been unsuccessful creating those same workflow tools in my personal life.

I decided this morning that when I start feeling overwhelmed. I am going to stop and gauge my own emotional investment in the situation. I can ask "is this happening with me or to me?" "how emotionally invested in this event am I?" If the answer is small - then I can give it the finger and move on. If it is a great deal, then I have permission to fully engage and fight it out.

It is all about taking responsibility for myself in the situation. It is incredibly empowering.
To engage or not engage. That is the question.

holy crap it is wednesday already.

Who starts first grade today? this little dude.
He is monster sized. When did that happen.
Last night his Dad showed up to Open House night. We met his teacher.
James is not feeling well and camped out at home with the Brain.

The interaction was civil. Drake seemed to enjoy to have us both there.
R was incredibly socially awkward. I don't remember him being that extreme when we were together.
Not sure if I didn't notice or it has gotten worse.
Either way - it went okay.

Of that I am grateful.

Bubba Doo is a first grader - whoa.

"I try all things - I achieve what I can"

Herman Melville, “Chapter 79: The Prairie,” Moby-Dick (1851) Today has been challenging in a some ways. I am obviously disturbing the natural rhythms of our weekday household routines. I am a guest in their day today. That being said. I am a gracious guest. Drake and I watched Bill Nye. I spent way too much time on facebook. River is asleep on the floor with a pink pacifier in her mouth. I am now searching the internets for new inspiration for some art projects while drinking coffee. I haven't gotten dressed yet. Of this, I heartily approve. It feels so good to be here. Though as a person who needs structure and routine to function healthfully - this free-form day is hard. I am censoring myself even here. I may need to revert back to journaling on paper...

found this today and it resonated with me.

I must be myself.
I cannot break myself any longer for you, or you. If you can love me for what I am, we shall be happier. If you cannot, I will still seek to deserve that you should. I will not hide my tastes or aversions. I will so trust that what is deep is holy, that I will do strongly before the sun and moon whatever inly rejoices me, and the heart appoints. If you are noble, I will love you; if you are not, I will not hurt you and myself by hypocritical attentions. If you are true, but not in the same truth with me, cleave to your companions; I will seek my own. I do this not selfishly, but humbly and truly. It is alike your interest, and mine, and all men’s, however long we have dwelt in lies, to live in truth. Does this sound harsh to-day? You will soon love what is dictated by your nature as well as mine, and, if we follow the truth, it will bring us out safe at last.”
-Ralph Waldo Emerson, Self-Reliance

I can ride a bike with no handle bars - no handle bars - no handle bars

I have decided that I am going to trust that Joey is a smarticle particle.
I have also decided that writing is probably best - though to put these thoughts into the ether is terrifying. The process of documenting my brain waves makes me take responsibility for myself. Dang it  - it is much easier just to silently torture myself. Personal responsibility is for the birds.

Saturday I met up with Joey. I shared absolutely way too much. I don't do that normally. A dam burst in my brain. I couldn't help myself. I promptly freaked out in my car - - called my bestie who talked me off the proverbial ledge.

Sunday morning I got up with Lady Riv. I fed her the first bottle of the day and laid in the sunshine on the couch. She flexes her tiny toes when she eats. She makes little vibrating noises in the back of her throat. It is the sweetest music on the planet. I need to spend more of those moments with her. After the long work hours and school on top - she gets shafted.

How do I get to the place where D and R get all of me and not just a piece?
I get three days off this week. There will be epic snuggling. I am nervous about that much time in the house though. Cabin Fever is not my friend. I suppose the kiddos and I will just have to adventure forth.

Having most of the week off is helping my Monday blues tremendously.
I am giving myself permission to feel overwhelmed but pushing through it regardless.
Life doesn't stop - - neither should I.

Enough for now.

PS I am  loved

the promise of potential

I have a phone interview on Monday with a company that I adore.
It is scary but I am excited for the potential of change.

I need a little of that  -potential and change. It keeps me awake and fresh.

Saturday morning laziness

Riv is asleep on the floor on her boppy. Drake is playing video games and running around without a shirt. I am three coffee cups into a Bon Iver tutorial on playing skinny love on Gertie my ukulele.

All in all this morning has been fantastic.

yay for music and sleeping babies.

Amen

Check list for my next job

• do something that means something
• hoodies and jeans at least 60% of the time
• salary or project based  - burn the freakin' time clock
• something that combines creativity and analytics
• health insurance for the kids.

my dear sweet baby

River, Drake, and I had a good day.
We played basketball, played skylanders, laid around on the couch - and Riv got a good nap.

I reread a bunch of old blog posts. I am so grateful to have those saved. It brings me back to lesson learned and reminds me that the grass isn't always greener.

I am a pretty amazing person. I needed to reminded of that once more. My recent bitterness and resentment is really just a manifestation of deep loneliness and fear.

I am not so good at the relationship thing. I suck at it actually... but I am really good at loving other people. That has to be enough.
because I am enough.